Another entry for another day like this, it’s a never ending battle between love and faith. Wages of sin battles of death fought it somewhere beyond my imagination. And yet it seems like I don’t care about it anymore just holding onto something you’ll never know what could happen next. At times like these, I just slept it over thinking that after I wake up tomorrow will be another day that I’ll forget about being damn wasted and confused.
Confused, another vast word to explain yet so hard to contain. Even a single amount of it makes you feel unstable. It’s like drifting aimlessly with no goal, having no sure spot to land somewhere in time. I guess I don’t have to think of it that way, for it will only burden me with lots of inevitable circumstances. For this unsustainable craving that plunges me to further melancholy that deeply wraps me into a fine long black satin sheet of oblivion. As every tear falls onto my eyes as each unstoppable bursting of fear gushing onto my face, I lay down, forcing it to stop, and pound my pillow at the shame impotent fury of my cowardice. A coward I say, for all I do is rant amongst the ghastly spaces of matter that surrounds me.
I rant but no one hears me except the shadow that lurks in the dark, undeniably low, the lowness of it gives me the glint of an amusing mime pretending to be happy outside but hides her true feelings inside. Pretending, pretending is the word. Certain words that can imitate lots of emotions, hides the real faces of each individual that holds something deep within themselves and harness the reasons that keeps them alive.
For all I know, people despise this gloomy feeling. The sense of longingness, the sense of belongingness, all of its factors affecting each senses of all human individual that mainly perhaps be the reason why I feel this way. The roughness of it burns me badly that uncertainties of it captures every heartache that leaves me astray. I weep for absurd reasons, far away, far from my mundane world far away from being me.
Looking back those days of bliss I remembered unchained memories kept away from so many eyes, eyes of many judgmental people, I feel something unexplainable, the feeling of the warm morning bliss of happiness that manages to fill me up to the very tips of my fingers that still lingers on and on. The craving that would suffice every inch of me... it is something unexplainable that only few people can understand why.
But I never hated anyone for the fact that it is just, maybe reasons may go well left unsaid, leaving it hanging for a moment and could possibly be the right way and when time comes, when preparedness has come my way to explain things thoroughly, people will know the reasons behind those rumors.